Boris' alternative speech to the CBI:
Look, I know you will understand we have to bribe voters with more spending on all the essential services about which pollsters tell us they care. So, for now (wink, wink) until we get reelected (wink), we are going to shelve the cut in business tax.
Now, I know you will be disappointed, but trust me, we are the party that wants to distribute more wealth (wink) (pause) to the few. We have taken so much from the many and given it to...people like you who create wealth. Never have so few benefited from the misery of so many (lovely Churchillian ring about that, don't you think?).
You know our record is sound. More families using food banks, more families are living with slashed benefits. We have cut real funding for the NHS, social care, children's services, schools. We have driven down wages. There are now more pensioners in work than ever before.
Child poverty has increased. Pensioner poverty is rising once again (we are delivering just as we once did). We forced families out of their homes with the bedroom tax. We pushed disabled people back to work. Work insecurity has never been greater.
We are the party for the strivers. Those who invest their bucks in the City and who drive the world economy and when we have done Brexit, we will free you from all those regulations on health, environmental standards, rights in the workplace.
You will be able to make more wealth and we won't distribute it to help anyone in need. This system of accumulating wealth is your system, and I am here to help you. So be patient. Better rich than in a ditch, I say.